Lucky 13
For the past three years I’ve compiled a vision board at the start of the New Year. Here, you can see 2010, 2011, and 2012. While I do think January 1 is a day just like any other, it is still a chance to start fresh with a metaphoric clean slate. In the past, I’ve tried to give my boards a bit of balance between personal and professional. This year is no different.
If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.
– Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
The Pop Five
This week I’m particularly grateful. In keeping with the theme of yesterday’s holiday, here are the things I’m most appreciative of in my life.
My in-laws are celebrating 50 years of marriage tomorrow! Tonight, they are hosting a party for the entire family to mark the milestone. The longevity of their love and guidance on how to make a relationship work for the long haul is admirable.
My mother just spent the last two weeks with us helping in every way possible for us to adjust to our new normal. Grocery store runs, diaper changes, cooking, cleaning, giving great advice, soothing a fussy baby, and just being amazing. All of us are so fortunate that Nana is so giving of herself and of her time.
I feel like I’ve hit the career jackpot of doing what I love, but with a high level of flexibility. I’m fortunate to have dear readers who actually care when I’m going to write next. Because one thing that irks me from sites I enjoy reading is when content is inconsistent. That is why I’m letting you know I’ve decided to take a proper maternity leave and spend some quality time getting to know our gal a bit better. Come January, I’ll be rolling out fresh danapop pieces.
I’m so happy to have this guy in my life! My morning routine has always been to walk Otis and I’ve had to take a breather postpartum. I got to leash him up a couple of times this week and we both had a little bounce in our step.
I’m so blessed to have a good eater, an occasional long-stretch sleeper, and overall healthy baby on my hands. I can’t ask for anything more than that.
Happy holidays, everyone. See you in 2013!
The Motherhood Club Part V
Today concludes the five-part series on motherhood. To see past articles or full panel disclosure, click here. This piece was such an amazing one to write and I cannot thank the participants enough for both their time and candor.
dp Names say so much. I think naming a child would be incredibly hard – how did you and your husband choose the names of your kids?
Mommy A I was pretty adamant on giving my children middle names that honored my parents. I felt it important because of my parents’ cultural belief to have our family name passed on. Since I could not pass on my last name in the most traditional manner, I chose to include a Korean name as a middle name. Plus, once I had children, I really started to understand cultural beliefs or practices that insist on same race marriages. I realized that my children have the potential of having blonde hair, blue-eyed babies. By the time my grandchildren have children, all of the Korean will be gone! This thought kind of makes me sad. There will be no more of my parents left in the bloodline.
Mommy C We looked to family names when selecting name options. She is named for her paternal great-great grandmother and her maternal great grandmother. We also wanted something unusual, but not too ‘hippy’ or new age sounding. (We get enough of the hippy thing just by living off the grid in houses made of straw and mud.)
Mommy D Naming your child is such a fun part of pregnancy. We spent hours talking over names and trying out names. A lot of the names that we chose for first or middle names were significant because they were names from our family history.
Mommy E Still trying to agree on a boy’s name, we want it to be strong. For us we had more girls names that we agreed upon, so the jury is still out!
Mommy F We knew our son was ¾ Irish so we gave him an Irish name. In naming our daughter, we included our son. He actually named her. It was important that family be a part of their existence so I gave my daughter my middle name, it gave them more roots.
dp What do you think is the biggest misconception to being a mother that you would like to clear up?
Mommy A I think there is a misconception that a woman can have it all; a husband, a family, and a successful career. This has the connotation that acquiring all these “check marks” will bring happiness. I think the truth is that once you become a mother, it is all a balancing act and areas of your life will have to be sacrificed.
Mommy D I think that it is a huge misconception to think that being a stay-at-home mom is an easy job. It was the most challenging (but rewarding) job that I have ever had.
Mommy F You do not own your child and cannot make them what you want them to be. You don’t know what’s in that little person that you have. You just don’t know. You’ve got to be willing to let that person be who they are.
Mommy G That you can always control what’s happening. Because I think just as I was sitting here and you decided to have a freak-out – I can’t control you. That’s how it is with a kid – you just can’t. Some things they have to learn on their own.
Mommy H Some people think that a stay at home mother is not a job. However it is a 24-hour job that you love.
dp What is one memory you hope your kids never forget?
Mommy A I just want my children to grow up remembering how we laughed and spent time together and were happy. Honestly, looking back at my childhood, I cannot remember a time when my parents laughed really hard about anything. I can’t remember thinking they were happy. I really want that for my girls.
Mommy B Our love for them and their children and grandchildren. We all have enjoyed our lake house from the time our first grandchild was five years old and now our great grandchildren are enjoying it as well. We bought the lake house in 1969 and today, in 2009 it is still bringing us all joy. I am hoping it will always be a family place to come and enjoy and keep making memories for all.
Mommy C I hope she remembers the joy of learning something new.
Mommy D Family vacations.
Mommy E Birthday celebrations, summertime activities like the pool and picnics, and time with grandparents
Mommy F Nature. I created a wonder of nature, awe of nature and all its beauty – and they have that. I think that’s a gift that keeps on giving forever. Flowers, sky, ocean, mountains, weather, they are both in awe of it. I gave them that kind of thing and I’m delighted.
Mommy G The first time that she met Winnie the Pooh…and I don’t think she’ll ever forget it. I literally mean this, she has an amazing memory – the picture of her the first time meeting Winnie the Pooh we had to walk down the winding path – and we turned this corner and the look on her face is sheer joy – just complete, “I can’t believe it’s really you!” And I think she remembers that. She’ll talk about walking through the jungle to meet him. I want her to remember that feeling.
Mommy H How often we laughed with him and told him we loved him.
Mommy I That we loved them. They grew up in a loving family, the good times. The vacations that sort of stuff. And I hope they remember their grandparents. They all have fond memories of their grandparents.
dp Is there something you are most fearful of? Something you hope never happens or something you want to save them from?
Mommy A My biggest fear is that my children will be ungrateful. It’s ironic because my own parents came to the US to provide a better life for their children. They succeeded. My life is definitely better than theirs in regards to education, money, and employment. I think this is true for most parents. I feel the same way. I want my children to have things that I did not. However, in doing so, there’s a risk of providing too much. If you do not struggle and your children to not witness or experience hard times (especially financially), then I doubt they can really understand the value of hard work and having things. My biggest challenge right now is trying to teach our oldest that she cannot have everything she wants and to be grateful for what she already has.
Mommy C As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I am terrified of our daughter finding herself in an uncomfortable, unwanted or unsafe sexual situation. I hope she will always have at least one adult that she feels safe talking to if she needs help.
Mommy D My biggest fear is that one of them would get a terminal illness or die in an accident. I could not handle that, and I would not want to watch my husband go through that.
Mommy E Right now answering this, I want to make sure my child develops fully in the early years, good motor skills and speech skills so he can grow and learn at a normal pace. Also, want to make sure I keep my patience in any situation and can be a nurturing parent.
Mommy F Being left alone in the world. Not having a soulmate or feeling that there’s no one they can turn to. Not having the joy of being a companion and sharing your life with someone.
Mommy H I am so scared that someone will come into my house and take him. It happens a lot in the state we live in. I make sure all the doors and windows are looked and that the alarm is on. I constantly wake up during the night and look at our video monitor.
dp What were some dreams of yours for your children prior to having them? Have those changed after having them?
Mommy A I don’t really have any dreams for my children like careers or where to attend college. I have characteristics I want them to have. I want my girls to grow up respecting themselves and others. I want them to have self-esteem and learn how to make good decisions. I want them to be comfortable in their own skin. I want them to be smart and healthy.
Mommy D I just wished for them to be happy and healthy.
Mommy G I want her to be excellent at tennis and I do have the dream of her being a cheerleader – I know that sounds pageantry, but to me it means she comfortable, happy, and accepted. But, really as long as she’s smart and secure, if she’s those two things, she can be anything she wants to be.
dp Has there been a helpful method you followed in raising them?
Mommy A Not really. I participate in the trial and error philosophy – if it doesn’t work, try something else!
Mommy B Find a church home and keep your family all in the same church life. Give love and pass it on. One can never give too much.
Mommy C We follow general themes of attachment parenting and child guided learning, but I struggle with prescribed methodologies. I found resources like Alfie Kohn’s book, Unconditional Parenting, that encourage parents to check in with themselves and question themselves to be very helpful in providing a most basic suggestion. Asking myself what I am doing and why is the best way I have found to parent with integrity.
Mommy E We are reading the Baby Wise book right now and my husband is all about it- getting the baby on a schedule. We’ll see if this holds up or not once the baby comes!
Mommy F No, but I wished I had followed a method. I think it’s wonderful idea to have that stuff now, at least it gives you things to fall back on. Specifically on how to discipline, calm correcting that means more instead of rage or anger. All that is very important. People today should take advantage of classes and books because there is so much good stuff out there.
Mommy G Baby Wise – it works. She was born at 10 pm – her active time was always that time from then. It gave her a schedule.
Mommy H Try to be consistent as possible. If I am inconsistent than it throws off schedules and impacts his sleeping and eating.
The Motherhood Club Part IV
It’s day four in our five-part series on motherhood. To see past entries and full details on the amazing panelists click here.
dp Did you find out your child’s gender while you were pregnant? Did you try to predict? Were you correct?
Mommy E Yes – we just found out we are having a boy, and are so excited! This was one of the discussions that was agreed upon before even getting pregnant. My husband is a planner and wanted to know! I could go either way, so maybe in the future we could keep it a surprise. Because I have been having such an easy time with pregnancy, I was feeling boy at first, but was also very partial to having a girl. I am so excited for the outcome, but either way I think we would have won the lottery.
dp Has there been a specific age or phase that was particularly difficult? An age that was incredibly joyous and amazing? What’s one thing that you were particularly proud of your child doing?
Mommy A My children are still young, but in my four years of experience, I’ve realized that each phase/stage has its ups and downs. For every achievement or milestone my children reach, there’s a flip side to it (usually a humorous one). For example, I used to be particularly proud of my older daughter because she was so well spoken. Now she can articulate exactly what she wants, why she wants it and if she doesn’t get it, she expresses her disappointment thoroughly! My youngest has just started crawling. Wonderful! Except now I spend my day following her all around the house making sure she doesn’t choke on one of her sister’s toys. The list goes on.
Mommy C Right now, we are in a challenging time. She really wants to go where she wants to go when she wants to and I really want her to ask permission and respect my response. So far, I spend a lot of time chasing her down and taking her back inside so she can try to ask permission before going outside. I very much want to empower my daughter to make her own decisions, but there are many times that I only have patience for her decisions if they are the same as my own.
Mommy D I am proud of the way that they treat others.
Mommy G The past six months have been both of those. She’s a person now. You can have a conversation with her. The other night we laid in the bed under the covers like a slumber party and she told me she thinks Dylan is cute (a boy in her class). It’s funny when she repeats words – she’s been so fun and then she’ll have two weeks of sheer hell where I don’t know how to deal with her. You can’t use logic, or reason and sometimes not even love. It is what it is and you have to accept it and wait until it passes. You want to feel like you’re teaching, but there’s times where you just have to let them be.
When she stopped being shy, I was so proud of that. The fact that she can go up to friend of mine and say hey how are you – we’re both really proud of that.
dp Did you become more spiritual or religious after having children?
Mommy A Yes! I wanted us to all go to church together and I wanted to expose the church to my children at an early age. It was my priority to expose them to religion and I feel strongly that the church is important in child rearing and learning right from wrong. If my children choose to leave the church as adults, then that is their prerogative. My job, as a parent, is to provide them with the foundation they need to have a relationship with God.
Mommy C Having a child and experiencing the world tangentially through her eyes has re-enlivened my awe of the natural world and the delight that I take in it.
Mommy E This is going to be an interesting development for my husband and I- being interfaith. We have discussed combining traditions and incorporating the elements we both value most. But, I think the toughest part will be balancing our decisions with what our family will expect.
Mommy F Having children made me go back to my faith stronger. You have to find your own spirituality, but I don’t want to make anyone else believe the way I do.
dp How does your husband help with child rearing? What things does he do better than you?
Mommy B My husband was a wonderful father and grandfather and so enjoyed the great grandchildren as well. He was a businessman, not too good about house help, only that he loved to cook. Handyman he was NOT. But there was always money to have things done right. He died in 2003 at the age of 85 leaving me with not a worry in this world. I still have good health at 89 and enjoy all of my family.
Mommy G He’s good about being less structured. He’s okay to let her watch TV – he’s okay with her staying up past her bedtime. He’s okay with her indulging a little more. I think that’s important. I’m more about did you eat your veggies, now it’s time for bed. Which is a nice balance. He cooks dinner, makes breakfast, buys all the groceries – he’s really helpful he’s very hands on all the time.
Mommy I He was better playing with the kids. I was so concerned with taking care of the house. He was also better with discipline. They used to laugh at me when I tried to scold. He was strong with them. And then with sports he started coaching them and stuff. We both helped with homework, but when the kids got into more advanced things, he helped them with that. He also had fun while playing with them.
Up Next – The series wraps up with motherhood misconceptions, family memories, and modern methods.
The Pop Five
My week has been quite the whirlwind since the last Pop Five installment. I think today is Friday, but don’t quote me on it. Otis, Dan, and I are all adjusting to our new little family with baby Margaret’s arrival. Here are the highlight’s from the past few days.
Dan gifted me a symbolic necklace after the birth of our sweet baby girl. One diamond each for myself, him, and Margaret. #babybling.
I found something to wear to my in-laws 50th anniversary party next week! In case you were wondering, it is tough (but not impossible) to find a beautiful dress to wear while nursing (without it being dreadfully mom-ish). Zara comes through in the clutch.
I knew I wasn’t going to hang Margaret’s name in her nursery over her crib, but I couldn’t resist my favorite ee Cummings poem framed, which mentions her name (alongside Millie, Molly, and May). I love this custom piece from Raw Letter Press.
To me, there’s something so utterly creepy, yet absolutely adorable about newborn hands. Margaret’s are no different. They look like wrinkled old lady hands at six days old.
I’ve been able to repurpose several pieces of furniture for the nursery that had been living in our attic. My great-grandmother’s bookcase is in the process of getting a facelift courtesy of the fabulous Kristen Davis. And this Ivory soapbox from my father-in-law’s days at Procter & Gamble will transform into the perfect end table.
She’s Here!
Little Miss Seith arrived and she’s absolutely perfect. Dan and I brought our daughter, Margaret Ainsley Seith, into the world on my late maternal grandfather’s birthday, November 8, with the help of our extraordinary doula, Kate, the incredible Dr. Knoer, and rockstar nurse, Lucy.
After trying every natural induction technique we’d heard (acupuncture, walking, sex, pedicure with a pressure point foot rub, spicy foods, eggplant) my water broke at 6 a.m. and our little girl arrived just about 12 hours later (three days after my due date). The birthing experience and seeing her for the first time was like nothing I could’ve ever prepared myself for, both emotionally and physically. Birthing her was no small feat and I joked during the process that if I was of the cave or pioneer times I’m pretty sure childbirth would’ve taken me out. Modern medicine mixed with natural elements were what worked for me. Eventually I’ll write a whole post on my experience (as it was a very positive one), but that is for a later time. As soon as I saw Margaret I was so overwhelmed with emotion I broke down sobbing, repeating, “She’s here.” Not only that the birth was over, but also that we waited so long for this to happen. All three of us were crying. I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.
Margaret is a name both Dan and I liked early on in my pregnancy. The name is classic and sophisticated, yet can be shortened to be a bit more approachable. When naming her, I couldn’t help but think of all the strong women called Margaret—Margaret Thatcher and Margaret Mitchell—to mention two. While I was pregnant we watched The Iron Lady and this line Thatcher is famous for saying clinched it for me:
It used to be about trying to do something. Now it’s about trying to be someone.
My hope for our Margaret is to do something, not to try to be someone. Ainsley is a variation of the name Ann, after my twin sister. It’s a Scottish name (which is where the maiden Hazels side of me is from) meaning Ann’s meadow. We love it.
We’re still trying to figure out if she’ll settle into being a Mags or Maggie, but for now, she’s Margaret and we’re absolutely in awe that we made something so miraculous. We’re all just getting to know each other and adjusting to our new normal. We’re also in complete shock that we’re responsible for something other than trying to get the dog to stop eating toilet paper, and we’ve done such an excellent job with that.
Thank you for all the sweet messages and words of encouragement through it all. Here’s to the next adventure!
The Motherhood Club Part III
It’s the third part of our motherhood series. Click here for a full scope of the participating panelists.
dp For those of you with mixed gendered children, is there an easier sex to raise – girls or boys?
Mommy D Boys seem to be easier emotionally, but they are much noisier. Girls tend to be more emotional and dramatic.
Mommy F Boys you could encourage to play, but girls are temperamental in a group can be catty and nasty. Boys can be rough and tough and have more fun where girls have an emotional side to their playing.
Mommy I Boys were easier as teenagers than girls. My girls were responsible telling me where they going and the boys were not. My oldest son was never where he was supposed to be. I liked having both, they each had different things that made them fun.
dp How did you and your husband come to the decision to have kids? Did you agree upon this prior to getting married? Do you think there’s such a thing as a biological clock? Did you feel ready?
Mommy C As for a biological clock, I had a sense of something tugging from within urging me toward childbearing, but it was not suggesting to me that time was short. I felt ready in many ways before becoming pregnant. As soon as I was pregnant, I needed much more time to feel prepared. Now that she is two and a half. I think I am prepared for her.
Mommy D We had agreed that we both wanted children – and we both wanted four children. We both came from families with four children. We had decided to wait two years after being married before trying. Two years, nine months later our oldest was born. I felt ready until the time came and then I felt nervous.
Mommy F We were married 10 years before having kids. Unfortunately, my husband died when my son was 13 and daughter was six. We decided to have children when we bought our house. After moving in and feeling the emptiness of it, we wanted to fill it with kids. It was a given you just knew you would have kids and it would be a matter of how many. It was always something that was expected and wanted.
Mommy G When we got married I was never having kids never ever and my husband agreed to that. And then, we’d been married eight or nine years and I wanted to have kids and I wanted to adopt. I realized I was afraid to relinquish control over me. And my doctor said there’s some areas of your life you have to give it up. And I did and she was absolutely right. We’d narrowed it down to what the control was they said – you can do this – my doctor said – whatever you think it is, it’s not. And they were right.
dp How do you make time for yourself, separate from being a wife and mother?
Mommy A I hardly do! That’s the problem. I thought this grad school would help me resolve some of my loss of identity, but all it really did was add more stress and responsibility to my life!
Mommy C I have a fantastic partner and live in a community of folks who like to hang out with my kid either out of the generosity in their hearts or because we trade and I watch their kids.
Mommy D I get up really early, before anyone else in the house.
Mommy G Some of it is because I do travel for my job. I can take time to after all my meetings to run to a mall – the other day I spent 30 minutes in a Sephora, I haven’t done that for two years. I don’t suffer from being with friends and it gives my husband time at home alone with her. I like her to know mommy has a life that doesn’t stop because she’s there or her father’s there – we can all have our interests, but it’s okay to go outside the house.
Mommy I I really didn’t make time for myself, not while they were little. Maybe while they were in school I’d go out for lunch or something. When the kids were in preschool there was a mother’s group, I would go to that. Often though I’d get together with another mother and kids. I’d do Garden Club or Daytime Bible Study at our church. I never went away without the kids on trips or that kind thing.
dp Where does alone time with your husband fit in? Is it true that after kids, bedroom time plummets? Do you think your husband looked at you differently after you became a mother?
Mommy A We talk about date nights and the importance of it, but life just gets in the way. We talk about making our relationship a priority, but life just gets in the way. My husband says he still thinks I’m the same, but I know I feel different. I feel less desirable, less attractive, and definitely less sexy! And yes, sex is last on the every to do list in this house.
Mommy C Our alone time is mostly after our daughter is in bed either at night or occasionally during a nap. Bedroom time still seems fine to me though I have noticed that I have gotten much better at seizing the moment when one arises.
Mommy D It is easier now that the kids are older. We just make time. We run together, go to the grocery together, etc. We do little things together all the time. Occasionally, we make a date and just the two of us go out.
Mommy H When my son is sleeping we get alone time. Is it true it plummets, just a little bit. We are both so tired but still squeeze it in. My husband looks at me in a better light (after becoming a mom). He complements me more and says he finds me even more beautiful.
Up Next – Spiritual growth after children, proud moments, and the father’s role.
The Pop Five
I love Instagram, don’t you? This week’s Pop Five installment wraps up my week through its filter.
My view at 10 months.
I cannot wait to cook my way through this book my best friend gifted me from one of my favorite sites.
Trying to induce this tardy baby naturally with Scalini’s famous eggplant parmigiana.
You’re never too young for a pair of 7 For All Mankind jeans. In this case, 0-3 months.
This rose bush is one of my favorite spots on my morning dog walk and it looks especially pretty just after the rain.
The Motherhood Club II
The motherhood series continues. Click here to see the full stats on the panelists.
dp In your opinion, how has child rearing through the years changed?
Mommy A There’s a lot that has changed. Spanking is controversial. If you spank your children, it’s because you’ve lost control and are an ineffective parent. There’s too much coddling and not enough discipline. I read a book by Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture, and he wrote of the way parents and teachers are afraid to give honest feedback to their children and students. Everyone is great at everything. This leads to an inability to accurately assess one’s self and ultimately stunts the growth, development, and learning of an individual. Children today are getting away with so much more than I did as a child.
Mommy B Children in this age are giving so much more and experiencing so much more to be able to keep up with their friends. Television is too much a part of their life and also telephones take over their life too much. Both parents working leaves children on their own in someone else’s care too often.
Mommy C My best guess is that child rearing history has an ebb and flow to it intra-culturally, inter-culturally, and temporally. The trend that surrounds me at the moment centers on establishing relationships of mutual respect and consideration through methods like attachment parenting and baby sign.
Mommy D I think fewer moms are able to stay home with their children, and I think fathers are more involved in the childcare tasks.
Mommy E Definitely the women’s movement changed it all, no longer is it women’s work to only stay home and mind the house – its now a balancing act for moms and dads, and single parents too. Our time has become so fragmented that we try to find a balance before we miss it all and life passes us by. Also the age range of mothers is a longer span than in years past, which makes for many wise parents.
Mommy F A lot. Parents are much tighter with their kids in their play and in their schooling. I think it’s frightening to be a kid today, they are totally lost in the system – kids can’t even go out and play in a neighborhood because parents are afraid to let them out. When I raised my children, we all knew if the kids were at our house we could discipline someone else’s child…it was very communal. None of us resented what went down. Now you drive to playgroups get in the car, it’s not just the walk outside like it once was.
Mommy I There’s a big change in how people discipline. I didn’t know anything about time outs. I would spank and I don’t think a lot do that now. I’d give them a swat, send them to their room. I wouldn’t hurt them. I see men playing a bigger role in child-care than when I raised kids. My husband was involved, but fathers today take more nurturing care, maybe even staying at home as the primary daytime caregiver which they wouldn’t have done before.
dp Giving birth – I gotta know, does anything prepare you for the pain? Was your birth process and pregnancy anything like you planned? Drugs or no drugs? What did you crave the most while pregnant?
Mommy A With my first child, I was determined to “try out” natural labor. I’m not sure what I was thinking! By the time I reached 4 cm dilated, I was in uncontrollable pain. My husband tells me that I was cursing like a dirty sailor. I have no recollection of this! With my second child, I was induced. The epidural was awful (probably because I wasn’t in active labor so I felt the pain of it). I don’t think anything can really prepare you for labor. I mean, you can read books and have a plan and maybe it will all work out…but, probably not. You just have to get through it.
Mommy B In my time of having my children one did not talk about the pain and etcetera.
Mommy C I was planning a home birth attended by a midwife friend who lived a few states away. I came up with several backup plans in case baby came early and my midwife was still a state or two away. If I couldn’t be in control of my body then dammit, I was going to give myself the sense of control by making a lot of plans that were not going to manifest.
In the end, I labored long hours at home, not liking the pain (actually mild discomfort compared to what was to come). My vomiting tendency resurfaced during labor and before long we transferred to the hospital to put me on IV fluids. After I had been at the hospital for a while, everyone left except my partner. Shifts in labor started coming closer together and soon my daughter arrived, a little manhandled by the doctor and nurses, but soon in my arms and at my breast.
Mommy D No (nothing can prepare you for the pain). It is like a giant Charlie Horse in the stomach. It can be very frightening, and I remember wondering if I would be able to handle it. I had hoped to go natural – but that was a crazy idea for me. I had an epidural with each birth, and it was wonderful! Once the pain went away, I was able to relax and the deliveries were easy. I craved tomatoes and ice chips.
Mommy E Can’t comment on this yet, but I am craving cheese things – cheese crackers, cheese fries, cheese anything!
Mommy G I craved lemons! While pregnant I chugged lemonade, ate lemon sorbet and lemon bars. Definitely had drugs, which was always in the plan. The pregnancy was easier than I expected, no morning sickness and delivery was easy because I was induced. A bit of advice – take the epidural when they offer it to you. I waited too long to get the epidural. The hard part was the IV had to clear out and I was making noises and it hurts like nothing you could ever understand. My husband was scared shitless – he knew I was in pain there was nothing he could do about it – the minute you get it (the epidural) you feel better. I think I only pushed for 20 minutes.
dp Were your pregnancies planned? Did you have trouble conceiving? If so, what did you do? Did you ever envision your life without children in it?
Mommy A Both of my children were planned pregnancies. I did not have any trouble conceiving, but did have one miscarriage in between my children. I always wanted children.
Mommy D Yes – mostly. My second was a little earlier than expected.
Mommy E Planned in the sense of my husband and I said we will start trying for our first baby at 30, thinking it would take a year, and then boom it took just a few months. Definitely a blessing as we have had so many friends struggle with pregnancies and we feel very lucky.
Mommy F We expected to have children and it didn’t happen after trying for a while. It definitely affects the woman much sooner than the man. Men just don’t have that maternal instinct, obviously. We had tests done and I seemed to be fine, but my husband had a low sperm count. We went through artificial insemination – which was totally against the Catholic Church. And it didn’t take. Adoption was a very difficult thing to do in those days. You’d be in a room with 50 other couples and the social worker would come out and say “only one of you will go home with a Gerber baby” and it was obviously devastating. So, we talked about adopting older kids. We said we’d go back and put in for an older child. Our son was born in June they placed him in August. They called and said – you might want to sit down. We have a child to place with you on Friday (this was a Monday). We were so intimated and afraid to ask questions…I finally said, “am I allowed to ask what the child is?” That’s when they told me it was a boy. The same thing happened with our daughter, we put in to adopt an older child and we got her when she was just 3 months old.
Mommy G Yes it was planned. It took about 20 minutes, one time (laughing). And I feel guilty about that to be honest because I know so many people who have struggled. I said (to my husband) okay, I’m ready and really that was it. I remember looking at him afterwards saying if it is not a girl I’m going to be so mad at you (laughing) – I remember exactly when I got pregnant.
Mommy H Yes (we had trouble conceiving). My husband and I went through a lot of tests and they didn’t know what was causing us not to conceive. We had 5 IUIs and we’re about to do invetro when we got pregnant on our own.
Tomorrow – Gender differences and fitting in alone time.
The Motherhood Club Part I
I originally published this five-part series (titled Dear Mom) in May of 2009 to coincide with Mother’s Day. It remains one of my favorite writing projects posted on danapop. While most of the women profiled have experienced changes in their families (career shifts, more children, grandchildren, and even great-great-grandchildren) I did not want to deviate from what was previously published as I think the answers are still relevant despite life carrying on. As I’m embarking on motherhood I thought it would be the perfect time to revisit. I do hope you enjoy the reread.
-Dana
I’ve had the privilege and joy over the last few years of seeing some of my closest friends as well as my sister and sister-in-law become mothers. It’s made me realize that for as many hats as we women wear, being a mother appears to be, quite possibly, the toughest.
That has made me think more often of motherhood in general and my own relationship with mine. I can’t say I’ve ever written a letter to my mother. Sure, emails. Sure, lengthy telephone conversations with both of us carrying on about nothing in particular. But, an honest to goodness pen to paper letter – not so much. If I were to write her, I’d likely start with a simple thank you and then express my gratitude for her nurturing and her patience throughout my life (not counting the few late high school/early college years where we couldn’t stomach the sight of each other).
In honor of mother’s day, I’ve conducted a sociological experiment of sorts. Below is the beginning of a five-part series that I’ll be posting throughout the next few weeks. I interviewed nine women – eight of whom are mothers and one who is just about to be. Each gave me such amazing honesty and insight and they made this piece what it is; and for that, I am humbled. This article reflects their caring, their time and their generosity.
Here’s to all the mothers, a five-day tribute.
