The Motherhood Club Part III
It’s the third part of our motherhood series. Click here for a full scope of the participating panelists.
dp For those of you with mixed gendered children, is there an easier sex to raise – girls or boys?
Mommy D Boys seem to be easier emotionally, but they are much noisier. Girls tend to be more emotional and dramatic.
Mommy F Boys you could encourage to play, but girls are temperamental in a group can be catty and nasty. Boys can be rough and tough and have more fun where girls have an emotional side to their playing.
Mommy I Boys were easier as teenagers than girls. My girls were responsible telling me where they going and the boys were not. My oldest son was never where he was supposed to be. I liked having both, they each had different things that made them fun.
dp How did you and your husband come to the decision to have kids? Did you agree upon this prior to getting married? Do you think there’s such a thing as a biological clock? Did you feel ready?
Mommy C As for a biological clock, I had a sense of something tugging from within urging me toward childbearing, but it was not suggesting to me that time was short. I felt ready in many ways before becoming pregnant. As soon as I was pregnant, I needed much more time to feel prepared. Now that she is two and a half. I think I am prepared for her.
Mommy D We had agreed that we both wanted children – and we both wanted four children. We both came from families with four children. We had decided to wait two years after being married before trying. Two years, nine months later our oldest was born. I felt ready until the time came and then I felt nervous.
Mommy F We were married 10 years before having kids. Unfortunately, my husband died when my son was 13 and daughter was six. We decided to have children when we bought our house. After moving in and feeling the emptiness of it, we wanted to fill it with kids. It was a given you just knew you would have kids and it would be a matter of how many. It was always something that was expected and wanted.
Mommy G When we got married I was never having kids never ever and my husband agreed to that. And then, we’d been married eight or nine years and I wanted to have kids and I wanted to adopt. I realized I was afraid to relinquish control over me. And my doctor said there’s some areas of your life you have to give it up. And I did and she was absolutely right. We’d narrowed it down to what the control was they said – you can do this – my doctor said – whatever you think it is, it’s not. And they were right.
dp How do you make time for yourself, separate from being a wife and mother?
Mommy A I hardly do! That’s the problem. I thought this grad school would help me resolve some of my loss of identity, but all it really did was add more stress and responsibility to my life!
Mommy C I have a fantastic partner and live in a community of folks who like to hang out with my kid either out of the generosity in their hearts or because we trade and I watch their kids.
Mommy D I get up really early, before anyone else in the house.
Mommy G Some of it is because I do travel for my job. I can take time to after all my meetings to run to a mall – the other day I spent 30 minutes in a Sephora, I haven’t done that for two years. I don’t suffer from being with friends and it gives my husband time at home alone with her. I like her to know mommy has a life that doesn’t stop because she’s there or her father’s there – we can all have our interests, but it’s okay to go outside the house.
Mommy I I really didn’t make time for myself, not while they were little. Maybe while they were in school I’d go out for lunch or something. When the kids were in preschool there was a mother’s group, I would go to that. Often though I’d get together with another mother and kids. I’d do Garden Club or Daytime Bible Study at our church. I never went away without the kids on trips or that kind thing.
dp Where does alone time with your husband fit in? Is it true that after kids, bedroom time plummets? Do you think your husband looked at you differently after you became a mother?
Mommy A We talk about date nights and the importance of it, but life just gets in the way. We talk about making our relationship a priority, but life just gets in the way. My husband says he still thinks I’m the same, but I know I feel different. I feel less desirable, less attractive, and definitely less sexy! And yes, sex is last on the every to do list in this house.
Mommy C Our alone time is mostly after our daughter is in bed either at night or occasionally during a nap. Bedroom time still seems fine to me though I have noticed that I have gotten much better at seizing the moment when one arises.
Mommy D It is easier now that the kids are older. We just make time. We run together, go to the grocery together, etc. We do little things together all the time. Occasionally, we make a date and just the two of us go out.
Mommy H When my son is sleeping we get alone time. Is it true it plummets, just a little bit. We are both so tired but still squeeze it in. My husband looks at me in a better light (after becoming a mom). He complements me more and says he finds me even more beautiful.
Up Next – Spiritual growth after children, proud moments, and the father’s role.
The Motherhood Club II
The motherhood series continues. Click here to see the full stats on the panelists.
dp In your opinion, how has child rearing through the years changed?
Mommy A There’s a lot that has changed. Spanking is controversial. If you spank your children, it’s because you’ve lost control and are an ineffective parent. There’s too much coddling and not enough discipline. I read a book by Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture, and he wrote of the way parents and teachers are afraid to give honest feedback to their children and students. Everyone is great at everything. This leads to an inability to accurately assess one’s self and ultimately stunts the growth, development, and learning of an individual. Children today are getting away with so much more than I did as a child.
Mommy B Children in this age are giving so much more and experiencing so much more to be able to keep up with their friends. Television is too much a part of their life and also telephones take over their life too much. Both parents working leaves children on their own in someone else’s care too often.
Mommy C My best guess is that child rearing history has an ebb and flow to it intra-culturally, inter-culturally, and temporally. The trend that surrounds me at the moment centers on establishing relationships of mutual respect and consideration through methods like attachment parenting and baby sign.
Mommy D I think fewer moms are able to stay home with their children, and I think fathers are more involved in the childcare tasks.
Mommy E Definitely the women’s movement changed it all, no longer is it women’s work to only stay home and mind the house – its now a balancing act for moms and dads, and single parents too. Our time has become so fragmented that we try to find a balance before we miss it all and life passes us by. Also the age range of mothers is a longer span than in years past, which makes for many wise parents.
Mommy F A lot. Parents are much tighter with their kids in their play and in their schooling. I think it’s frightening to be a kid today, they are totally lost in the system – kids can’t even go out and play in a neighborhood because parents are afraid to let them out. When I raised my children, we all knew if the kids were at our house we could discipline someone else’s child…it was very communal. None of us resented what went down. Now you drive to playgroups get in the car, it’s not just the walk outside like it once was.
Mommy I There’s a big change in how people discipline. I didn’t know anything about time outs. I would spank and I don’t think a lot do that now. I’d give them a swat, send them to their room. I wouldn’t hurt them. I see men playing a bigger role in child-care than when I raised kids. My husband was involved, but fathers today take more nurturing care, maybe even staying at home as the primary daytime caregiver which they wouldn’t have done before.
dp Giving birth – I gotta know, does anything prepare you for the pain? Was your birth process and pregnancy anything like you planned? Drugs or no drugs? What did you crave the most while pregnant?
Mommy A With my first child, I was determined to “try out” natural labor. I’m not sure what I was thinking! By the time I reached 4 cm dilated, I was in uncontrollable pain. My husband tells me that I was cursing like a dirty sailor. I have no recollection of this! With my second child, I was induced. The epidural was awful (probably because I wasn’t in active labor so I felt the pain of it). I don’t think anything can really prepare you for labor. I mean, you can read books and have a plan and maybe it will all work out…but, probably not. You just have to get through it.
Mommy B In my time of having my children one did not talk about the pain and etcetera.
Mommy C I was planning a home birth attended by a midwife friend who lived a few states away. I came up with several backup plans in case baby came early and my midwife was still a state or two away. If I couldn’t be in control of my body then dammit, I was going to give myself the sense of control by making a lot of plans that were not going to manifest.
In the end, I labored long hours at home, not liking the pain (actually mild discomfort compared to what was to come). My vomiting tendency resurfaced during labor and before long we transferred to the hospital to put me on IV fluids. After I had been at the hospital for a while, everyone left except my partner. Shifts in labor started coming closer together and soon my daughter arrived, a little manhandled by the doctor and nurses, but soon in my arms and at my breast.
Mommy D No (nothing can prepare you for the pain). It is like a giant Charlie Horse in the stomach. It can be very frightening, and I remember wondering if I would be able to handle it. I had hoped to go natural – but that was a crazy idea for me. I had an epidural with each birth, and it was wonderful! Once the pain went away, I was able to relax and the deliveries were easy. I craved tomatoes and ice chips.
Mommy E Can’t comment on this yet, but I am craving cheese things – cheese crackers, cheese fries, cheese anything!
Mommy G I craved lemons! While pregnant I chugged lemonade, ate lemon sorbet and lemon bars. Definitely had drugs, which was always in the plan. The pregnancy was easier than I expected, no morning sickness and delivery was easy because I was induced. A bit of advice – take the epidural when they offer it to you. I waited too long to get the epidural. The hard part was the IV had to clear out and I was making noises and it hurts like nothing you could ever understand. My husband was scared shitless – he knew I was in pain there was nothing he could do about it – the minute you get it (the epidural) you feel better. I think I only pushed for 20 minutes.
dp Were your pregnancies planned? Did you have trouble conceiving? If so, what did you do? Did you ever envision your life without children in it?
Mommy A Both of my children were planned pregnancies. I did not have any trouble conceiving, but did have one miscarriage in between my children. I always wanted children.
Mommy D Yes – mostly. My second was a little earlier than expected.
Mommy E Planned in the sense of my husband and I said we will start trying for our first baby at 30, thinking it would take a year, and then boom it took just a few months. Definitely a blessing as we have had so many friends struggle with pregnancies and we feel very lucky.
Mommy F We expected to have children and it didn’t happen after trying for a while. It definitely affects the woman much sooner than the man. Men just don’t have that maternal instinct, obviously. We had tests done and I seemed to be fine, but my husband had a low sperm count. We went through artificial insemination – which was totally against the Catholic Church. And it didn’t take. Adoption was a very difficult thing to do in those days. You’d be in a room with 50 other couples and the social worker would come out and say “only one of you will go home with a Gerber baby” and it was obviously devastating. So, we talked about adopting older kids. We said we’d go back and put in for an older child. Our son was born in June they placed him in August. They called and said – you might want to sit down. We have a child to place with you on Friday (this was a Monday). We were so intimated and afraid to ask questions…I finally said, “am I allowed to ask what the child is?” That’s when they told me it was a boy. The same thing happened with our daughter, we put in to adopt an older child and we got her when she was just 3 months old.
Mommy G Yes it was planned. It took about 20 minutes, one time (laughing). And I feel guilty about that to be honest because I know so many people who have struggled. I said (to my husband) okay, I’m ready and really that was it. I remember looking at him afterwards saying if it is not a girl I’m going to be so mad at you (laughing) – I remember exactly when I got pregnant.
Mommy H Yes (we had trouble conceiving). My husband and I went through a lot of tests and they didn’t know what was causing us not to conceive. We had 5 IUIs and we’re about to do invetro when we got pregnant on our own.
Tomorrow – Gender differences and fitting in alone time.
The Motherhood Club Part I
I originally published this five-part series (titled Dear Mom) in May of 2009 to coincide with Mother’s Day. It remains one of my favorite writing projects posted on danapop. While most of the women profiled have experienced changes in their families (career shifts, more children, grandchildren, and even great-great-grandchildren) I did not want to deviate from what was previously published as I think the answers are still relevant despite life carrying on. As I’m embarking on motherhood I thought it would be the perfect time to revisit. I do hope you enjoy the reread.
-Dana
I’ve had the privilege and joy over the last few years of seeing some of my closest friends as well as my sister and sister-in-law become mothers. It’s made me realize that for as many hats as we women wear, being a mother appears to be, quite possibly, the toughest.
That has made me think more often of motherhood in general and my own relationship with mine. I can’t say I’ve ever written a letter to my mother. Sure, emails. Sure, lengthy telephone conversations with both of us carrying on about nothing in particular. But, an honest to goodness pen to paper letter – not so much. If I were to write her, I’d likely start with a simple thank you and then express my gratitude for her nurturing and her patience throughout my life (not counting the few late high school/early college years where we couldn’t stomach the sight of each other).
In honor of mother’s day, I’ve conducted a sociological experiment of sorts. Below is the beginning of a five-part series that I’ll be posting throughout the next few weeks. I interviewed nine women – eight of whom are mothers and one who is just about to be. Each gave me such amazing honesty and insight and they made this piece what it is; and for that, I am humbled. This article reflects their caring, their time and their generosity.
Here’s to all the mothers, a five-day tribute.
A Room of Her Own
“A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.”
Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own
I’m nearing the end of making a home for this being in my belly. We’re going to meet her on the other side very soon (as in any day now). Which is both surreal and exciting to think about. I’ve been so used to her personality in my tummy. But, within days she’ll have another home. Virginia Woolf’s famous line about women writers needing a room of her own goes beyond the professional. I think all mothers need a space of their own away from their child and I’ve hopefully given both myself and our daughter that place with her nursery.
Since I don’t love the connotation that both diva and princess have when it comes to little girls (Ladies, is that the best message we can give our daughters?), I knew any of those types of themes weren’t my style. Really, I just wanted her room to be soft, calm, and feminine.
The nursery’s inspiration began with me scrolling through photos on my computer and stumbling across several gorgeous shots from a botanical garden we visited while on a family vacation in Vancouver years ago. The original theme was based on those images with the idea of an English garden in mind. Thankfully, I’ve had tons of help to create that vision.
I enlisted my talented good friend, Heather Hogan Roberts of HHR Interiors (and also principal of the fab eCommerce site, Ivy and Vine) to make it all happen. She synced us up with custom painter Kristen F. Davis of Kristen F. Davis Designs. Here are a few shots of the after.
Nursery Images: Courtesy of Erin Cantrell Photography, styling by Heather Hogan Roberts
Au Naturale
Do you know who this woman is? This sweet-appearing lady was the bone of contention in our house recently. You see, Ina May Gaskin is the number one midwife in the country. And part of me (a really big part) wanted her (or one of the midwives on her farm—yes, farm) to deliver our daughter next month (or whenever she decides to make her appearance).
But, the second you mention the thought has crossed your mind to deliver a baby on a farm in the middle of Tennessee with the closest hospital an hour away folks start to freak out. Or just get real quiet, secretly thinking you’ve gone mad from hormones. I’ve been interested in Ms. Gaskin’s story since I saw her profiled here back in May. Realistically, I cannot see myself holed up in a cabin in the middle-of-nowhere Tennessee while I twiddle my thumbs and wait for the main event, but bringing a baby into this world in such an amazingly spiritual and pure way sounds absolutely magical to me. A stark contrast to the Pitocin, epidural, and episiotomy nightmares I’ve plugged my ears to as countless friends recount their own baby’s birth stories. The second the conversation turns to water breaking (and way worse descriptions), I’m usually out the door with my tires squealing.
I don’t expect birthing a child to be a jolly good time over pints of beer while watching a puppy play with a piece of string until it passes out from sheer excitement, but I do believe that through the pain (that our bodies are made to go through) there is a beautiful part to all this beyond the prize at the end. For me, it’d be wonderful to experience this next phase of my life the most natural and holistic way possible.
My husband and I are a good team when it comes to compromise. We’ve met in the middle between his IV-drip hospital scenario with every heartbeat closely monitored and my vision of a sacred birth with stars twinkling in the night sky only enhanced by spirited chants of kumbaya, a birthing playlist that would make Joan Baez proud, and ridiculously over-priced sage and lavender candles that’ll burn for days.
But, there was a good while we thought each other bat-shite crazy and wished good luck to our unborn child for having to get stuck with the other one. Ultimately, the best fit for us was having the baby at a hospital with a doctor and doula we both completely trust helping guide the way. Though, that’s not saying things won’t still get a bit primal in there. Here’s to the best laid plans.
Image: Courtesy of thehappywomb.com
The Name Game
One of the hardest things I think that comes after you’re pregnant is deciding on a name. I’m not talking about a fruit, animal, or textile (I’m looking at you celebspawn Apple, Blue, Bear, Sparrow, and Denim).
But, naming a baby is tough. In both agreeing on a name and finding one that either A) doesn’t sound like every other person passing by (I don’t want my kid to be their generation’s Jennifer or Michael). Or B) not so weird that the obscure 15th century writer moniker you’ve picked makes your son or daughter sound about a century old.
When I was a little girl, my name for my future child (a girl) was going to be Avery. I got it from the James Avery jewelry catalog at my grandparents’ house. I used to pour over that catalog for hours with my grandmother, picking out charms that I wanted to add to my wish list. Then, as I got older, I assumed (I have no idea why) I’d have a tribe of all boys. But, therein lies the trouble – boy names, mostly. They are so boring to me. Thank goodness we’re having a girl.
We have four ideas for names with one that is our top contender (my tastes have matured beyond Avery). Not to sound all hippie-dippy about it, but I’d like to meet her first and make sure it suits her before we start monogramming her from head to toe.
My parents used the pictured baby book published in 1970 to name each of us four kids (as you can see from the ample wear and tear). Every one of my siblings and their children’s names are all found in this book. And our daughter’s name is as well.
Also, if you haven’t read this article on deadspin published this summer, it’s hilarious.
The Pop Five
I think for most women the baby shower is a very symbolic milestone in a pregnancy. I could so feel the love at mine this past weekend. My mom, two sisters, and best friend went to so much trouble to make the day absolutely perfect. I’m still basking from the energy in that room. Thank goodness there was a camera (or ten) around to capture it all.
The table settings at the shower were so beautiful. Each table was covered with vases of flowers all designed to go with the nursery theme of an English garden. I’ve been enjoying fresh flowers all over my house this week.
An emotional moment – everyone made a big circle and looped a piece of string around their wrist to form individual cord bracelets we’re all wearing until I give birth. Once my daughter is born, we can cut our string. I’m supposed to think of those strong and wonderful women in my life when the laboring gets difficult.
We hosted a Southern-style barbecue at our house the night prior to the shower for out of town guests. This macaroni and cheese is always a hit and it was wonderful to catch up with everyone in a casual setting before the next day’s festivities.
I love this shot of my mother-in-law and mother. They both have already showered this little girl with so much love (and me with incredible advice on mothering).
The afternoon was the most perfect mix of family and friends in an intimate setting. I adore the venue of Sun in my Belly. It was absolutely magical and I’ve always appreciated the sentiment to the restaurant’s name: It has been said that when Picasso was asked what it was that compelled him to create, his response was the ‘Sun in my Belly.’
Birthing Rider
Several years ago, when our good friends had their daughter, they had the genius idea to put together a hospital rider. Unlike the official birth plan, which spells out everything from a medical perspective, this is more like the celebrity dossier where you request everything from a specific cocktail post-watermelon pushing, to the best sashimi within a 10-mile radius of the hospital.
The above is a photo collage of mine, which I think is really basic. Candles, flowers (aromatherapy and something to focus on during the laboring part), comfortable pajamas, a soft blanket, salmon for lox that I’ve been craving, a bit of bubbly, and a great playlist (mood music for bringing this wee one into the world).
I’m sure at some point I’ll be screaming in a Chris Farley voice to, “Lay off me I’m starving!” but I’ve avoided putting a wheel of really stinky soft cheese that I can’t pronounce on here. Even though the chances of that request popping up while still donning a hospital gown are quite high.
On a similar note, this piece from McSweeney’s is a hilarious must-read and hits very close to home.
1. lorient long pajama set in azalea starfish, Marigot Collection 2. Nova salmon, Zabar’s 3. winter bianco floral arrangement, Olive & Cocoa 4. Blanc de Blancs wine, Sofia 5. soy candle in rosemary sage, Paddywax 6. TPS portable stereo speaker system, Nixon 7. chenille throw, Restoration Hardware
Bittersweet
I’ve spent the past couple of weeks packing up my office. It’s a mix of happy and sad at the same time. All of it. My office now moves to our shared dining room and kitchen area, and what has up until now been a combination guest bedroom and home office now becomes our daughter’s nursery.
I’m sifting through expired writing contracts and styleguides for companies I no longer write for, including an old “admin cheat sheet” from DailyCandy and MSN Postbox’s explanation of hybrid media. In place of that pile is now printed copies of birthing plans, parents morning out applications in lieu of daycare, scraps of paper jotted with custom cabinet measurements, and a stack of pendant lighting images.
It is important to me for our daughter to have her own space. A calm, quiet area of the house that is all hers. It is equally important for me to have the same for myself. I still want to feel like my career matters in-between the feedings and diaper changes and the monotony that motherhood brings (coupled with the giggles and wonderment). That said, I also want to be realistic with my clients and myself that my life as I’ve come to recognize it is all about to change. For the better, I’m sure of it, but in the process that means saying goodbye to a lot in order to create space for this new life.
Come next week, you’ll see the first tangible change I’ve created. Danapop is getting a shift in both design aesthetic and editorial focus. I’ll be posting more often in a simplified space and in a way, I hope, that is still as enjoyable for you to read as it is for me to write.
I’m thrilled for the possibility of what is yet to come.
Seith, Party of Three
Again, that’s Seith,* party of three. That’s right. We’re having a baby! Now you can see from the Bonnaroo piece two weeks ago where I wrote about covering a music festival in the middle of Tennessee for four days just might put me in the crazy category. Well, what I didn’t say then is that interviewing rock stars and filing 20 stories in 96 hours where the only toilet option on site was a Porta-Potty was just about the last thing I thought I’d do while four-and-a-half months pregnant. Talk about exhausted, as you can see from this photo where I’m taking a breather backstage.
I wasn’t entirely sure how I’d handle this portion of the baby, the telling the world part, especially for those of you that live so far away. It seems a bit impersonal and showy at the same time. But, here goes. This little bundle in my belly has been a tough secret to keep. Those in Atlanta know (me being 5’2” in a wedge sandal and all) that I’m past the stage of, “Wow you look different and like you’ve really been enjoying having your face buried in a tray of donuts, but I’m not sure if you’re pregnant.” It’s pretty obvious at this point what’s going on underneath my shirt, but I forget there’s a whole world out there that doesn’t get to see this growing Buddha belly in action. So, now seems as good of a time as any to spill the beans, especially since I’m just over 20 weeks into creating a home for this little kangaroo.
